The Language of Belonging: How to Speak in a Way that Builds Trust

“Language shapes the way we think, and determines what we can think about."

- Ziad K. Abdelnour -

The Language of Belonging

Picture this: You're in a team meeting, and someone shares an idea that doesn't quite land right with you. Before they've even finished speaking, you jump in with, "Actually, that won't work because..." …and, while your intention was helpful, the energy in the room shifts. The person who was speaking withdraws slightly. Others become immediately quieter.

Technically, you said nothing wrong. You were direct, efficient, even accurate. But something about how you spoke created more distance than connection. The room suddenly felt a bit less safe to share ideas, less collaborative and, without meaning to, your interjection built walls instead of bridges. The energy of that meeting never recovered - and that fact is silently recorded in everyone’s memory.

This happens more often than we realize. Without knowing it, we can often communicate from a place where we feel we need to be proven right, to defend our position, or to manage how we’re being perceived by others.

Why We Speak From Separation

Stressful feelings, like frustration, uncertainty, or self-doubt, are the sensations of a nervous system aroused by the belief that there is some kind of threat to our well-being at play.

All stressful emotions, in whatever form they take, have one mindset in common: self-preservation. We listen for attacks. We interrupt to regain control. We use absolute language to sound more certain. We defend our position to avoid being wrong. We correct others to maintain our sense of competence. It’s easy see how, in these situations, stress will operate our minds …and our mouths.

While this is unfortunately ‘normal’ for most of us, it is evidence of emotional conditioning in favour of stress. Stress causes us to be self-protective and, if we grew up in an emotionally unsafe environment, our conditioned way of speaking will have us speaking protectively. It’s our habit.

The shared habits within a group are also known as the group’s ‘culture’ and this creates a self-reinforcing problem: when we speak from this place, we unconsciously signal to others that they need to protect themselves too - and around and around it goes.

Think of it like a tennis game: how you hit the ball to the other person largely determines how it comes back to you. Our words become part of a cycle where we are all mostly defending rather than connecting; performing rather than being truly honest and authentic.

The unfortunate truth is that our cultural norm is to communicate in a way that reflects separation and control. It fosters low-level chronic stress. We often speak as if we're isolated individuals trying to get our needs met in a world full of potential threats. But we're not separate. We're part of a living system where every word we speak shapes the relational space around us.

Language as Architecture

So, what if there was a way of speaking that could actually create trust, safety, and belonging for everyone in the conversation?

Language isn't simply a tool of expression—it's architecture. Every time we speak, our words are crafting the emotional conditions that steer our conversations and define the dynamic of our interactions. This dynamic is the overall ‘mood’ being created by the interaction.

This mood is the most powerful influence over our ability to reason and perform effectively as a group because it is the reflection of our nervous systems aligning together. It creates a shared sense of safety or threat, connection or separation, trust or defensiveness. We feel it. We often call it “the energy in the room”.

Like it or not, we are always influencing each others states of being (nervous systems) and, just by being together, our combined energy (overall mood) steers us towards either greater function or dysfunction.

With this in mind, it would make sense for each of us to consider doing what we can to help shape greater group coherence so that we can all perform at our peak - like generating a shared flow state. But how might we do that?

We can start with language.

The Shift: From Positional to Relational Language

The difference between language that divides and language that connects isn't about being "nice" or avoiding difficult conversations. It's about shifting from positional language (focused on being right, defending, or controlling others) which is fixed and static, to relational language (focused on the willingness to understand, connect, and co-create) which is fluid and progressive.

The key here lies in the mindset and intent behind the communication.

Positional language comes from wanting to be recognized as valuable in the moments we feel like we are in a kind of ‘either/or’ situation where it feels competitive and there is a potential for rejection. Here, there’s a natural tendency to have our mind made up already with a fixed decision we feel we must defend so that we can get our needs met.

Relational language comes from wanting to find a win-win solution together that’s best for all. It’s more about putting a problem in front of us rather than between us so that we share ownership of the problem …and the solution. We don’t see each other as the problem. The mindset and mood is open and collaborative. Here the tendency is to help each other get needs met.

Consider these examples:

Positional: "You always interrupt me." (Accusatory, combative)

Relational: "When I get interrupted, I feel a bit brushed aside and unimportant. Is that how you want me to feel?” (Taking ownership of one’s own feelings, seeking to understand the other’s intent)

Positional: "This is how I am, take it or leave it." (Fixed, about one’s identity)

Relational: "This is how I tend to show up—is there better way that works for both of us?” (Fluid, about action/behaviour not identity)

Positional: "Your idea won't work." (Authoritarian, makes it about the other person more than the idea - could say “that idea” vs “your idea”.)

Relational: "I have some concerns about that approach—perhaps we can improve upon it together.” (Separates idea from person, creates space for growth/improvement).

Notice the key difference? Positional language makes it about identity whereas relational language makes it about shared activity. The relational versions don't avoid the difficult truth. They actually create more space for it. They invite collaboration instead of defensiveness. They acknowledge the relationship as something alive and valuable, worthy of care and attention. It’s a language of mutual respect.

“That which is not good for the bee-hive cannot be good for the bees.”

- Marcus Aurelius -

Interdependent Language is the Language of Belonging

When we speak from an interdependent mindset—recognizing that each of us is part of a larger whole—our language naturally shifts. It becomes more trustworthy, more connecting, more likely to create the feeling of belonging we all require to relax and perform well.

Here are six traits that make this possible:

1. Contextual, Not Absolutist

Instead of speaking in absolutes ("You never listen," "This always happens"), interdependent language acknowledges context. "In this situation, I notice..." or "My experience has been..." This creates room for multiple perspectives to coexist.

2. Relational, Not Positional

Rather than defending a fixed position, interdependent language prioritizes the relationship itself. "Help me understand your perspective" creates more connection than "Here's why you're wrong." The relationship is the environment within which differences can be explored and expanded upon.

3. Respectful, Not Reactive

When we speak from respect, we honour both ourselves and others as whole, capable people. This doesn't mean being passive—it means being responsive rather than reactive. "I have a different take on this" feels different than "That's ridiculous."

4. Curious, Not Certain

Interdependent language holds space for not knowing. "I'm curious about..." or "I wonder if..." invites exploration rather than shutting it down. It creates safety for others to share their truth without feeling they have to defend it.

5. Invitational, Not Coercive

Instead of demanding agreement or compliance, interdependent language creates invitations. "Would you be willing to..." or "What if we tried..." honours others' autonomy while still making clear requests.

6. Self-Responsible and System-Aware, Not Blaming

Instead of blaming others for our feelings, this language takes ownership of our own experience ("I feel," "I notice," "I'm struggling with") while recognizing how our words and mood affect the whole system. It's simultaneously personal and relational, individual and collective. It acknowledges that we are not separate from our environment but an integral part of it.

Words as Architecture of Trust and Belonging

Here's what's beautiful about this shift: when you speak from a mindset of interdependence, this language of belonging, it can help everyone to feel like they belong too. Trust becomes contagious. Safety spreads. The whole system begins to reorganize around connection rather than protection.

This doesn't mean every conversation will be easy or that conflict disappears. But it does mean that difficult conversations become opportunities for deeper connection and expanded views rather than reasons to retreat. Differences become interesting rather than threatening. Relationships become more resilient because they're built on a foundation of safety and respect.

The next time you notice yourself speaking from control or self-protection, pause. Take a breath. Exhale slowly to help re-regulate your nervous system. Remember that your words are architecture. Ask yourself: In what ways am I creating trust with how I'm speaking? In what ways am I redirecting our attention towards a sense of mutual belonging? In what ways am I demonstrating a willingness to understand?

Interdependence is how life is. Everything is interconnected. Everything belongs whether anyone can see that or not. So, our sense of belonging is really more of a mindset. We have the choice to build it together, one conversation at a time. It all begins with recognizing that how we speak shapes how safe we feel to be ourselves around others and how safe others feel to be around us. We all belong. It’s important that we just keep speaking in alignment with that truth so that, together, we create the kinds of families, businesses, and communities that thrive; the kind we love being part of.

© 2025 Trent Janisch - All Rights Reserved